The REAL Origins of Poker

If you look in a history book searching for the origins of poker, you'll usually find the typical nonsense about the ancient Persian game of as nas or the French game of poque. According to the books, poker was brought to America in the early 1800s and popularized via the California Gold Rush and riverboat gambling. What a crock of $@#$!

The truth is, I invented poker. That's right. And I did it about 7,300 years ago from the bottom of a warm lagoon off the coast of Maui. Who am I? Most folks just call me Hammerhead, so let's keep it simple. How am I over 7,300 years old? You don't think they call us "higher evolved" sharks for nothing, do you? Yes, I am a sphyrna mokarran, or "Great Hammerhead Shark" to you Genus-challenged readers. I enjoy warm coastal waters, soft candlelit dinners (yes, we have special underwater candles), and whale watching. What's with the funny head? Hey! What do I look like, a biology professor?

Anyway, back to poker. It all started back in my schooling days off the western Baja coast, when I wasn't as popular as I am today. I was just always so competitive, and maybe a little obnoxious. My buddies would be off catching a few sardines or stingrays for lunch, and I would have to go for the giant squid. Even in kindergarten, I would always have to collect the most octopus carcasses for golden stars. Apparently, I gained quite a reputation. By the time I graduated with top honors from Plankton U., I was alone. No friends, no girlfriend, even my family had migrated down to South America. I needed something that would make me the center of attention again.

The Name of the Game

I moved to Maui for a change of scenery. To get back into the scene, I decided that I would invent a game that everyone would love, and that I would be the best at. Not something as physical as a sport like sharkball, but more of a mental game. Of course, being so competitive, I knew that if I invented it, I would naturally be the master of the game. Everyone would have to learn from me if they wanted to become great. I suppose I had a bit of a Great White complex, but I was young and full of spirit. And what did I call it? Well, originally, I wanted to call it, "Hammerhead's Fun and Crazy Gambling Hour", but after a couple (okay, a baker's dozen) of fermented squid ink shots, Sammy Swordfish convinced me that his nickname for his rather large nose was a catchier alternative. The rest is history.

First Poker Game in History

I invited Sammy Swordfish, Jerry the Giant Squid, and Sergeant Stingray over for the inaugural home game. What? How does a hammerhead shark get a swordfish, a squid, and a stingray to enter his home? I convinced them that I had turned vegetarian. Can I finish my story? The initial game consisted of 72 seaweed slivers and my self-imposed rules were pretty convoluted. We eventually decided upon 52 slivers of 4 different suits. We had 13 values, ranging from 2-A in a standard high-card game. The best 5 sliver holding would win. We also agreed that Kelp Keep 'em, with two hole cards and 5 community cards, would be the ultimate game of skill, and coincidentally, it has gained massive popularity today under a different name. More on that later.

Let me share a couple legendary hands from the original poker match. It was a couple hours into the first ever Kelp Keep 'em shorthanded ring game, and I dealt myself a couple of red Aces. I was in 4th position out of our 4 players, and Sammy was to my right in 3rd position. The blinds, or pearls as we called them, were 5 and 10. Later, I learned he had 8-4 offsuit. Sammy raised it 40 clamshells to go. I knew his reckless style and just called his 40, hoping to trap him on the flop and let him bluff off some more shells. The flop came down 4-8-J of mixed suits. I'm feeling pretty confident at this point with my Aces as Sammy plunks down 200 shells. Little do I know that he's just made 2 pair. What could he have at this point? Is he just bluffing? Does he have pocket Kings? I'm not too sure, but seeing as we're all learning at this point, I just call his 200 shells.

The turn comes with a K. He fires in another 400 shells, and at this point, I push the rest of my 2000 shell stack to the center of the coral table. Sammy instantly calls as he has me covered, and I'm very worried at this point. My suspicions are confirmed as he flips over the 8-4 offsuit. I laugh and turn over my Aces. Jerry and the Sergeant are shocked at Sammy's preflop raise, but I think that he's been trying to run over us with nothing all night. As I'm getting ready to buy in some more clamshells, the Sergeant deals the river, one of the two remaining Aces! My fins fly into the air as I flash Sammy a huge 4-row smile and rake in the shells. "Hey man", I said to him, "The sharks always beat the fish." Where else did you think the names came from? I told you, I invented this stuff! Sammy, the fish, prefers a reckless style with unsuited unconnected cards, whereas I, the hammerhead shark, think of Kelp Keep 'em as a big card game played with a tight-aggressive style.

Another legendary, and tragic, hand came up against Jerry about an hour later. I had slowly been gaining the rest of my opponents' clamshells while Jerry was still catching on to the game. He'd also knocked back a few too many, and I could tell he was getting annoyed with my playing style. This time, I was on the oyster, now referred to as the button. I said aloud to the rest of the table with a cocky tone, "We ought to start calling the oyster the hammer. This is my power position." My buddies all groaned at the suggestion. I dealt myself a 7-2 offsuit, which we later discovered was the worst hand you could possibly have in keep 'em because of the lack of straight, flush, and high pair possibilities. Sammy got out of the way, and I decided to use my table image to raise the hand to 50 clamshells to go.

Laying Down the Hammer

To my amazement, both the Sergeant and Jerry stayed in and despite my track record and his fermented ink intake, Jerry read my hand perfectly. He said, "I think you're pulling one over on us this time," as he called the raise. Maybe it's those enormous black eyes. The flop came out 2-2-K, giving me trips! Man, I was on a rush that night. The Sergeant checked, and Jerry bet 200 clamshells into the 150 pot. I contemplated raising, but I decided that Jerry had been having enough of a rough night, and so I just called. The Sergeant said, "Too rich for my gills," and laid down his hand. The turn came with a deuce, giving me the top full house. Jerry laughed and said, "I'm doubling up on this one if you're stupid enough to call. Why's your head so flat, anyway? I guess anything larger would be just wasted space," as he shoved in the rest of his clamshells. Alright, drunk or not, he's just being disrespectful at this point. I didn't let it bother me, and in my usual confident style, I just casually called his all-in move and Jerry starts cracking up as I deal an Ace on the river. Jerry turns over his A-K and confidently spouts, "Beat that! That's top two pair! I knew you were bluffing preflop, but you're not that bad of a player to do it with a deuce. What do you have, a pair of Queens?" Jerry is starting to gather in the pot when I pulled what can only be described as an amazing display of motor skill superiority. I flipped up the slivers with each of my fins and slammed my head down to the coral, bringing the slivers with me. The 7-2 showed face up, as I proudly proclaimed, "You just got hammered!" This is another piece of jargon that started with me.

As you can imagine, Jerry was disgraced in the worst possible way as Sammy and the Sergeant began rolling on the floor with laughter. Now, giant squids are some of the largest creatures on Earth. With such a massive immune and nervous system to support, their bodies need to constantly remain in a delicate balance in order to survive. I could hear Jerry began to yell some incoherent ball of rage directed towards me, but then his eyes remained fixed and his words were cut off. I think that he just blew a fuse. We tried everything we could to revive him, but nothing was of use. Jerry lifelessly floated away, joining the great Squid Heaven in the clouds. Giant squids are very secretive creatures, and you humans only run across them as dead bodies. They live just about a long as I do so if you hear about a giant squid washing up on shore in the news, you'll know that I just laid down the hammer and dragged a huge pot in a big game. I suppose that I shouldn't play 7-2, especially while a giant squid is in the game, but sometimes I get carried away and it's just too much fun to lay down the hammer once in a while after playing premium hands!

Poker Evolution

As the years went by, poker began to catch on. My home poker buddies would teach the game to all their friends, they would show it to their friends, more weekly home games would spring up, and eventually coral casinos would feature this most unique game of skill and strategy. I remained the most coveted of poker strategists, and the fame went hand in hand. I'm surprised you haven't heard of me. How did the game catch on with landlubbers? Apparently, as some of you humans started to commit the heinous act of stealing my dinners with a hook, some caught fish began pleading for their lives. They offered to show the humans a fantastic game that all their friends would love if they would release them back into the water. Apparently, some humans accepted the deal, and the rest is legend. I knew I should've gone to the patent office with this one! Why have you never heard of fish teaching humans the game of poker? Come on! Do you think anyone would believe you, even if you decided to tell anyone about it? You humans are so close-minded.

In closing, I've heard many of you humans disbelieve my story. You claim that Doyle Brunson and his group of Texan buddies invented my poker variation of Kelp Keep 'em, and that it's called Texas Hold 'em. It's true that they did spread the game, but I met Doyle on a trip he took to San Diego as a college student. As he was lounging on the sand, I beached right up next to him and began explaining why the poker games they were playing weren't skillful enough. Poker needed a change. I decided that he should be the next poker ambassador because of his gambling and people skills. I taught him the rules of Kelp Keep 'em, and he changed the name, without my consultation I might add, to Texas Hold 'em. You thought they came up with it on their own? Ha!

As you enjoy your friendly internet game or weekly home game with friends, be proud of the rich history that has evolved the face of poker. Strive to become a shark, and don't be tempted to join the fishy ranks like the original reckless-aggressive Sammy. Finally, if you get the right opportunity, don't be afraid to lay the hammer down once in a while! Just realize that you'll never do it as well as the Hammerhead.

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